Jesus Aves was a great and influential man, who did some cool stuff. Detailed in this article is a portion of the Chronicles of Jesus Aves as told by his trusty bodygaurd Loather, who reportedly never left Jesus' side even after death, and lived for two and twenty years on nothing but haggis and scots pies outside Greyfriar's cemetery, where his master was buried.
If you have any portion of these chronicles not included in this account, I cannot stress how important it is that you edit them into this article.
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Jesus Aves was a highly decorated veteran of the Texas-Israeli war, who worshipped such figures as William B. Travis and Mirabeau Lamar. He enjoyed dressing his dog in silly costumes, his favorite being a batman costume.
One day, Jesus Aves caught a smug black man stealing with one of his goats, trying to escape on bike. Jesus Aves beat the man's head in with a high-quality painting of Sam Houston. Jesus turned the man in to the police, and was awarded with a chihuahua with a deep passion for pumpkin ass.
A beautiful woman with big, yellow teeth and a cow that resembles a hat was impressed by Jesus Aves' dog-wearing-costume photography and asked to marry him. Jesus Aves had to turn her down, for he was in love with a young asian man. Jesus asked the man out, but he said no. This was too much for poor Aves, who decapatated two kids on a beach to ease his pain.
Jesus Aves was caught by the three horse police, who were lead by a fellow with masochistic tendancies. A freakish inbred horse-like creature attempted to bail Aves out, by paying off the prison guards with wide-eyed women and a comic book filled with conspiracy theories.
However, the two dead children's anime mother's vengence still lived on. She attempted to choke one of Jesus Aves' dogs with cheap jewelry, until a sexually ambigious fellow riding a tiger intervened. Jesus Aves was glad his dog survived the attack, and celebrated with fajitas and glittery balloons.
A bodyguard named Loather was hired by Jesus Aves to prevent further such incidents, and fought off an owl made of thorns, a woman made of space, and a soccer player.
Sadly, the chronicles end here, and no more was written. Perhaps one day they will be finished, but right now, these fragments are all we can find from Loather's journals.