|“||That is not dead which can eternal lie / And with strange aeons even death may die/ but Matthew Broderick songs never fucking end||”|
–HP Lovecraft on his deathbed
This movie. This demonic, horrifying, movie that is made of pure evil. Insulting fans of the original production and film adaptation by casting Matthew Broderick in the lead and insulting fans of common decency by dragging Kristen Chenowith into a film she is clearly above, this two hour trainwreck has its bases covered. It is telling that someone in the chat gets challenged to edit an entire HP Lovecraft novel to fit this movie and they dismiss it as being too easy.
This 2003 televised adaptation of the Music Man is the story of Matthew Broderick torturing an entire town full of people with his Lovecraftian music powers and raw evil. It is something you cannot imagine and and all who have tried to truly comprehend it have been reduced to madmen. Following the real version's plot, Broderick, finding himself in a small town in 1912 Iowa, decides to con the entire town (a crime for which, after we meet the inhabitants, is swiftly forgiven). He does this by inciting elaborate song-and-dance numbers despite a singing range barely beating out that of his old teacher, Ben Stein. Such numbers immediately suck in any passers by, who will be thoroughly convinced of his correctness by the end of the song.
|“||The Broderick mating dance is both beautiful, and terrifying. Lasting entire years, he dances until his target mate gives up, and faints||”|
As if that weren't enough, Broderick brainwashes an innocent librarian (played by the visibly disgusted Kristen Chenowith) into loving him, in what has to be the most unconsensual-yet-requited romance ever shown on screen. Not even kidding. Watch it for yourself and witness the horror that is Matthew Broderick.
|“||There are horrors beyond horrors, and this was one of those nuclei of all dreamable hideousness which the cosmos saves to blast an accursed and unhappy few.||”|
–H.P. Lovecraft on this movie
Oh by the way, if you thought two hours was a lot, this sucker was a TV movie, which means it originally aired in a three hour time slot. Pity the poor souls who endured this film intertwined with about an hour of commercials.