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The Secret of the Hunchback

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Oh god this movie.
4fvj2b

This is bullshit.

just

god.

The only way to describe this movie is a rancid, festering pile of plague corpses doing a delicate pirouette on your grandparent's grave as they delicately lick your ear in a sensual manner. That's how horrid it is. It is exactly like being reverse-necrophilia'd and gang banged at the same time.

The "plot" of the movie is that Quasimodo is abandoned as a child and raised by two priests. But why would such a precious child be abandoned? Because he's hideous of course! This is the Dark Ages, he's lucky he wasn't just drowned or something. The priests, shocked by how horrid his looks are, call in a doctor. The doctor proceeds to take two massive painkillers and walks away.

Flash forward a few years and Quasimodo's all grown up, still hideous and now wishes to see the world. To do so, he wears a large cloak and the single creepiest mask in the history of all of moviedom. I'd show an image of it but I'm terrified of going into that abyss alone.

Sneaking out in the flesh mask of a screaming infant clown that was fed on terorr, Quasimodo then makes friends with Poetguy, whose name escapes me, and the beautiful gypsy Esmerelda. However, whilst dancing with Esmerelda, his flesh mask comes off and the people proceed to flip out like it was going out of style. Poetman then leads Quasimodo away to secrecy.

Somehow, the cops get involved and end up busting the drug dealers/robbers/entertainers Esmerelda hangs with, and they pin the blame on Quasimodo. The cops have difficulty believing the story of something that ugly existing and call shenanigans. The thieves then strike a deal to catch Quasimodo to prove their innocence.

Long story short, their "comedic" fat guy dresses as Esmerelda, a too drunk jester mistakes him for her, this causes fatty to fall off the stage onto Quasimodo, who is then chloroformed.

Then, they have a public lashing. In a kid's movie. No, we don't see it, but we hear it. Wish I were kidding here, I truly do.

One thing leads to another, Poetguy and Esmerelda suddenly love each other, Sherrif Frollo, no not Judge presumably to avoid being sued by Disney, also suddenly lusts for Esmerelda and proceeds to follow every rule in the Bad Guy's Handbook To Stamping Your Passport Into Hell. Somewhere in there, Quasimodo has a song number with a gargoyle. That sound you hear? That's the sound of our collective rage engaging in the slaughter of the entirety of UAV studios.

Finally, the big confrontation rolls around, Quasimodo suicide leaps with Frollo but clings onto a gargoyle on the way down. Frollo is dead with Quasimodo soon to follow. He makes a speech and proceeds to fall. Wow, talk about a dark end to a moWAIT HE DID WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE GREW WINGS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU'RE SURELY KIDDING.

No, he grew wings. Check below for our reaction, as I'm too lacking in will to continue writing.


Critical receptionEdit

This log is from the IRC channel while Quasimodo FLEW AWAY ON HIS FUCKING WINGS.


[2011-06-26 04:18:20] <Lucas> do it
[2011-06-26 04:18:20] <Lucas> jump
[2011-06-26 04:18:22] <Lucas> do it
[2011-06-26 04:18:30] <Moronis> DIE!
[2011-06-26 04:18:34] <Dalmcula> jump! Jump! JUMP! JUMP!
[2011-06-26 04:18:42] <Moronis> Wow, this is fucking dark.
[2011-06-26 04:18:45] <Lucas> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:46] <Vavassor> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:47] <Vavassor> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:48] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:48] <Zebrathinker> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:52] <Vavassor> AHAHAHAHAHAH
[2011-06-26 04:18:52] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:52] <Zebrathinker> WHAAAAAAAAAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:53] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:53] <Vavassor> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:53] <RefreshingEnchantress> What
[2011-06-26 04:18:53] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:54] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:54] <Dalmcula> WY
[2011-06-26 04:18:54] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:55] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:57] <Dalmcula> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:58] <Dalmcula> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:18:59] <Dalmcula> awhdad
[2011-06-26 04:19:02] <madLurker> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:02] <Vavassor> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:02] <Dalmcula> WAGHT
[2011-06-26 04:19:04] <Sandie> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[2011-06-26 04:19:05] <Squirrel> what
[2011-06-26 04:19:06] <Moronis> WHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:08] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:08] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:08] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:09] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:09] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:09] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:09] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:10] <Moronis> WHATWHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:10] <Dalmcula> hahahahhaahahahhahah
[2011-06-26 04:19:10] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:10] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:11] <Moronis> WHATWHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:11] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:12] <Moronis> WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:12] <Dalmcula> oh my god
[2011-06-26 04:19:13] <Vavassor> WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT
[2011-06-26 04:19:16] <Dalmcula> what
[2011-06-26 04:19:17] <Dalmcula> what
[2011-06-26 04:19:18] <Vavassor> ahahahahahhahahaha
[2011-06-26 04:19:28] <Vavassor> DID HE JUST FLY TO THE MOON?
[2011-06-26 04:19:31] <Lucas> bullshit
[2011-06-26 04:19:32] <Dalmcula> he's flying back to the sun
[2011-06-26 04:19:33] <Moronis> ALL MY FUCKING HATE
[2011-06-26 04:19:37] <Moronis> ALL MY FUCKING HATE
[2011-06-26 04:19:38] <Dalmcula> where he came from
[2011-06-26 04:19:42] <Vavassor> HE TOTALLY DIP SET AND FUCKING FLEW TO THE MOON
[2011-06-26 04:19:47] <Moronis> HUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!
[2011-06-26 04:19:48] <Dalmcula> this is so terrifying
[2011-06-26 04:19:50] <Vavassor> HE WAS LIKE BRB MOON
[2011-06-26 04:20:18] <Moronis> Please. Tiny asian girl now.
[2011-06-26 04:20:23] <Moronis> We need immediate help.
[2011-06-26 04:20:37] <Zebrathinker> I thought his hump would break the fall and he wouldn't be hunched anymore but... what the FUCK
[2011-06-26 04:20:39] <Moronis> To hell with everyone who ever worked for UAV!
[2011-06-26 04:20:43] <Sandie> Well, that would have been a perfect ending to everything
[2011-06-26 04:20:44] <Lucas> jesus
[2011-06-26 04:20:46] <Moronis> I WILL FIND YOU AND DEVOUR YOUR SOULS!
[2011-06-26 04:21:02] <Dalmcula> http://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/f/f9/Engineer_jeers02.wav
[2011-06-26 04:21:10] <Moronis> THE MURDERNING!
[2011-06-26 04:21:15] <Moronis> I FEEL IT! IT OVERWHELMS ME!
[2011-06-26 04:21:16] <Dalmcula> that was so so horrible
[2011-06-26 04:21:24] <Dalmcula> I want to kill everyone involved in this movie
[2011-06-26 04:21:25] <Moronis> I KNOW ALL MURDER!
[2011-06-26 04:21:27] <Moronis> I AM ALL MURDER!
[2011-06-26 04:21:38] * Moronis has realised his duty as The Champion Of Rage
[2011-06-26 04:21:54] *** Moronis changed nick to Moronis_Rage_God
[2011-06-26 04:22:01] <Sandie> It's Majora's Mask


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